Is there a F&*king end in sight? Sigh. Due paying.

Yes.

Today's subject is paying dues. For a long time. Too long. Burnt. Cooked. Next?

I walk around with my prayer books all the time because I'm a diamond in the rough kinda spiritual girlie. Rough around the edges, trying to be GOOD all the time. Oh, I've just gotta pray to get me through these stupid tough times, so that I can give GOD glory!

But today I thought, in a very human mindset, mind you: is there a FU*KING end in sight with this due paying path? I mean, at least a really great achievement around the corner so that I feel like, ahhhaaaahhhh, I did it. To give me a little balance, sense of peace, maybe.

It's all in motion. Like I said, I feel like the example of Malcome Gladwell's Tipping Point....teetering on the edge of success....all the ducks are lined up and quacking.

Still I'm bleeding, and sweating and tearing....every day to see my dreams come true.

Why?

What are my dreams?

Who do they benefit?

Why? Well, because there's nothing more I want to do. I want to live and work at what I enjoy.

While I do dig the people at my part-time pay the bills kinda job, I can't hang here for much longer. It's really tough burning the candle at both ends. You know what I mean. I work gangbusters all day long then go to my night job. It's stupid on the nerves, but what can I do? I've got to hang in there. I must! Keep it all together. Right now, my eyes are totally darkened with circles, my voice is trashed to the point that I could sing a whole set of Janis Joplin songs right about now. I'm deliriously tired and my shift doesn't end until 6:30am. Then I've got to get up a few hours later and prepare to see the accountant who chuckled at my return. Yep. The numbers were just above poverty. It's not really that funny.

What are my dreams? Why the heck am I so diligent to achieve my dreams? Because the alternative sucks. My dreams are about writing, music and riding. There you go. Everything to do with all three things. That's my passion. Hardcore.

Who does this benefit? Sure, it gives me a whole different way of living to actually enjoy what I love to do for a living. It's the best...heaven...bliss.

Just think of me as the oldest kid in the family with the hardest path to cut so that ya'll know not to give up and keep on going. Because I will prevail. I'll be alright.

Due paying goes through stages. The stages are, well, this is okay, I can do this for a time because it's only temporary; then the temporary goes on for longer than expected so it's a little bit too much, but you want to climb that mountain; then you get to the drone. what the eff do I live for thing where you start rethinking your entire purpose and just bagging all your dreams and chucking them in the ocean of lost hope; then you get burnt, discouraged, pissed off at the world, you hate everything and just do destructive things like drink too much, sleep too much, cry too much, you know what I'm saying here; then there's I'm not going to let this get me down, I'm going for it, I'm going to dig myself out of this due paying hell, this due paying gutter; then you're where I'm at which is, when the F*CK is this going to end? So you burn the candle at both ends. What else is there to do besides that and pray. You work to pay the bills, and then work to keep the dreams alive and ACTIVE. GOING FORWARD!

Everything is going really interestingly well in the dream become reality department. Amazing opportunities surround me, beyond my wildest dreams. But it takes enormous effort, enormous physical, mental and spiritual activity to provide the basis for GOD to work HIS wonders in my life. Use me, let me be your will. Tall order. Real tall, but not too tall for this 5 foot 2 chick.

Yep. All this great stuff is happening, but, I'm broke as shit and living off minimal food per week, and folks keep saying "my you lost weight!" It's great that I lost weight, but I wish it was more due to refreshingly healthy foods and time in the gym.

This summer I'll be performing with a bunch of mega superstar artists, yep, but since I'm not a signed artist yet, I don't get the sweet treatment. I'm still the runt of the pack. The little outlaw. But runts are cool, too. Runts often times turn out to be pleasant surprises.

Who needs the fancy stuff? I'll just arrive on my Harley and sleep on a friend's couch or in a damn tent. It'll be more fun anyway and then maybe all these big stars will want to hang with me and my friends anyway. Keepin it real.

I've got all these books to be published, got all this music I'm writing and demoing for future recordings, I'm performing with various bands now and the Gotham Rodeo starts officially soon, so I'll be gigging ALOT. Thank God.

Then I've got these film projects I've been sweating out, trying to make real, got the things green lit now it's a matter of planning, you know? And it's a matter of the lords of the entertainment business to trust, to believe and have faith in my abilities, even though I don't have all the $$$$ to complete these projects by myself.

I won't give up. No I won't. I'll be an example for all of us working slobs and dream chasers, to never give up. Because the runt of the litter will prevail. But faith is key.

I want this F*king due paying to end so that I can fully enjoy my life completely engaged with my livelihood and talent, so that I can share bliss with you, enjoy bliss with you, and blissfully and abundantly pay my bills and experience life as I would like to, to the fullest!

viva la dreams!

love,
Sasha