Running Up That Hill 10-18-04

I've been writing my fiction book. It's been a priority for me including my music. I've been out there performing my tunes. It's been fun. Most of my art revolves around the freespirited boundless joy of riding my motorcycle wild and free... Other art focuses on all this spiritual. I have a passion for spirtuality...all of it...all the religions and philosophies intrique me.

It's all been quite the challenge. Being an artist. An entreprenuer, too. Besides my art, I've been building another company. That will be announced soon. . .

In the meantime, the meantime, I've been praying very much. Relying only on God because I have no control. None. My life is very unpredicatable at the moment because it's not structured as a 9-5 life. With kids. With a honey. With routine. It's completely outta routine...though very busy...my life is a very busy life. I'm on 24/7 mode of working.

My life is not in control because it's beyond my control. I can be responsible for the immediate things, but the overall big mission belongs to a higher power. I can only do what is inspired in my heart. It takes enormous faith. Enormous trust. Enormous love. It is not easy to be steadfast and not be tossed about like a buoy in the seas, all anxious and worrisome.

But, as I continue to share with you my daily striving mountain climbs for my career and life, I hope that you, too, can find some inspiration. Today I'm really nervous about paying my bills. I'm awaiting a check from a freelance gig and I don't know if I'll ever see it. The bills are mounting like crazy. Living in NYC has gotten way outta hand financially; it's so expensive now. When I first moved here there were lots of artists in my neighborhood. Now I feel like I'm the only one left!! The only bohemian on the block without a Ralph Lauren outfit.

What has been the worst about the intense striving, has been that my motorcycle broke down and I can't afford to repair her right now. The dealership sternly advised me not to ride my bike because it's totally unsafe. Well, I did ride her a little bit afterwards because I was jonesin' so bad for a ride, but then I decided I didn't want to end up in traction somewhere because the bike went down from faulty mechanics. I'd work on her myself if I had the place to do so, to at least make an attempt to repair her anyway.

So, I'm awaiting word with my new company, from the new investors and partners. When will we be fully operational so that I receive a regular paycheck and benefits? It's surmised to be end of this month...please dear Lord, if it is your will, let the ingredients come together like the baking of a fine cake. I'd like my cake to eat, too, so that I can pay my bills with peace of mind.

I live modestly. I am the definition of a minimalist. I really don't have much but what I need and then a little bit more. I haven't had a car in 13 years. Only a motorcycle. I live in a tiny NYC studio which is packed with all kinds of life items. Though I'd love to have a real house of my own one day, a real nest with a garden and all kinds of nice comforts, for now, the comfort I have is God and striving to realize my dreams. It's total faith at this point. It's not like having a job with generous pay that I can count on right now. I've been to hell and back on this path of realizing my dreams...the only credit I can give for my survival and hanging in their is GOD and a little book called The Dream Giver, and the love and support of friends and fans. Gosh I'm so in love with ya'll.

I went to apply for a waitress job and then my beautiful kitty, Annie, of twenty years, mind you, got extremely sick. I had to nurse her back to health, so I could not start my waitress gig until maybe this week. I don't believe in euthenasia so I will not go that route. This is our journey, me and Annie. After twenty years of companionship, she's more like my fuzzy daughter than anything else. She is doing much better and is able to walk again and breathe better. It was a dire situation all last week. I had to nurse her carefully back to health. I hand fed her baby food and carried her to the litter box. I adore this sweet blessing in my life....I thank God for providing her with the healing strength called love. I love this kitty so much. There are photos of her on my website http://www.bikerlady.com/portfolio/annie.htm She's doing much better. She's able to get around and is back to her old self, tearing up my books and papers if I don't pay attention to her...she's like a little puppy sometimes. In fact, she chewed the paper cover off of my bible! Ripped it to shreds. My friend Steve said, "Oh she's just trying to get a little gospel in her is all."

So, on my agenda today among other things is to follow up with my book project, my music projects, a conference call with my partners. And, uh, to start my waitressing gig!? Gotta due what I gotta due... paying dues sucks because I've been doing it forever and look forward to being engaged in my heavenly talent bliss as my life resource entirely.

Well, off I go to start my day at 11:30am....Nah. Just kidding. I was up until 2:30am and then awoke at 8am.

God bless you day with miracles and treasures...

With love and smiles,
Sasha

Happy Happy Birthday Baby. Ex.

Well today is my former flame's birthday from yesteryear. I will not call him. No. I'll only pray for him that he seek truth in all things.

Amazing how lovers depart. Sometimes it can be really amicable....friendly. Cozy, even. Other times it can be turmoltuous, bitter, heartwrenching. I like to keep my former flames in great friendship because we had shared something sacred at one time or another.

Usually, however, new ladies in their lives refuse this friendship connection. And it happens with everyone of them. So, I don't hear or see the fellow unless he's in between girlfriends. But no matter.

What bugs me is the last flame that I was dearly in love with, well our bond extinquished for good. No sweet glow of friendship. Just a smoldering wick of what was.

We were lovers, he considered me the "one" though anyone who considers their lover the "one" surely doesn't let anything shake the foundation of their divine union. A series of tragic circumstances in his life whittled us down to close companions, at his choosing, not mine. I was right by his side to support him through the storms.

I pray about the episode that defined the end for us. It was really a difficult and heartbreaking journey for me to be with him. But I didn't want to abandon us, simply because of his life challenges. I believed in us and hung in there. A good lover and friend stands beside their dear heart person in life, right? Well, dear girl, I tell myself, wrong. You stand by a good friend and lover when they respectfully receive your presence. Not when they want to use and abuse you without regard...then you don't stand by them. You run and turn them over to the Lord in prayer. Then you work really hard to forgive.

Homewreckers are a drag. They turn everything upside down and put people on the defense. Dishonesty sucks. What is the remedy? Peace. Forgiveness. I forgive him very much and wish him well.

Does he forgive me? No. Because I defended myself with hard and fast boundaries called: no more. NO more sparkles getting stolen from my heart, my eyes, my soul. No more soul stompin. No more thanklessness. No more dependencies. No more distorted perspective on things. His lack of respect for me had come to an end.

I poured out the pain to him that he had caused me during our time together leading up to the debacle of our special relationship in an 18 page diatribe. I was so angry and hurt. Just devastated to be kicked aside like Tuesday's trash. Disregarded. It was terrible.

But I truly love instead of hate.

Love always prevails.

Baby, it was hard for both of us and I'm sorry what happened to us, that we can't even be friends; I'm sorry for my lack of whatever it was you thought I couldn't provide, couldn't measure up to in your perspective. I am especially sorry for what we suffered with the home wrecker and I love you as a friend forever no matter what. I'm sorry that our companionship was trashed. I will always love you inside out.

I love him, always, and see him as a precious soul...someone with whom I shared my life and to whom I gave quite a bit of the best of me. We're both imperfect little humans trying to get it right in life...

So, as if he were reading this which he is not, I say, Happy Birthday. Please celebrate life with love as if a new birth. Live and love well. Thank you for your love when you did love me. Thank you for standing by me during the brief time that you did, when you cared and it wasn't all about you.

God bless you dear one, with peace and vibrant opportunties. I will love you forever within the sacred bond of friendship.

Go in peace and ride free. Best wishes with your career and new home.

With love and respect, your "boop"