Sometimes, you can't go home.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/05/10/nyregion/10rent.html?em&ex=1178942400&en=54d190f9afd3696c&ei=5087%0A
Oh, NY is for the rich only. : ( all of us artist's are being pushed out! It's soooooooooo SAD. We love NYC so much. Even Brooklyn, Queens is becoming too expensive for US! The BRONX is the only reasonable $ place left? Sigh.

and read this latest article from Crain's NY
http://www.crainsny.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070514/FREE/70514009/1059
Tell, me, why every rich person in the world is buying up all the apartments and renting them for insane $$$$$$$????? So now the most amazing city in the world is ONLY for the wealthy who USE our gorgeous, bohemian town as a place to invest and shop. While we artists and natives LIVE and BREATHE NYC....it's in our blood. It's our pulse. These people...those with the money to buy up our little Manhattan ISLAND. . . .don't even know what it's like to ride a subway or a bus. To be ONE with the beat and the rhythm of this tiny little piece of land that is the most important influence to us native artists there.... We're being driven out!!!!

We CAN'T go home!

Being away from my hometown, is being away from my family. My mother, my father, my sisters and brothers, nieces and nephews, and life long friends. It's being away from all I know and love.

Maybe I chose a way that is, well, too hard? What the heck. I don't know. I'm so confused sometimes.

My hometown is New York. My hometown all of my adult life has been New York City. My mother comes from Long Island. My father is from Queens. My Grandmothers are from Brooklyn. Oh we bounced around alot, just outside of New York; my dad moving whereever he could find work in the early days.

New York...the boroughs....New York the lifestyle. These are my roots.

Since losing my NYC apartment to circumstances bitterly beyond my control, it has been a struggle on a daily basis to accept my life in Nashville.

I had to leave behind sentimental furniture in New York because I couldn't afford to move it. I could barely afford the gas to go and get my things. It was an emotional hell, I tell you. I left New York with an ol' 82 dodge cargo van peeing oil, and she decided to overheat and stop rush hour traffic, at, yeah, you got it, the Lincoln Tunnel. Lucky for Port Authority, they guided me to get me out of the way of the Tunnel's mouth leading to New Jersey. There I was, at their rescue garage, near broke, all my shit packed up in this ol' van...having coffee with the rescuers, thinking.... okay, I've got to be strong and get through this....

That was last year. Last May. It's been a year since. And it doesn't get any easier. Even though it will...I have to have faith about it. I lost my tiny apartment on 82nd Street, while I was living temporarily in Nashville, working on a music project and just taking a break in the south.

Yep. I want to go home. I want to be at home in New York City. My mother earth. But I cannot go home. Read the article above. And you'll know why. It's so painful. It's a knot in the stomach. I miss summertime at the Jersey shore and out in the surf of Long Island.

Oh, don't tell me about it's meant to be. If everything operated on the "meant to be" trip, then we'd have no freewill, no choice -- and things wouldn't occur just on circumstance. Meant to be is reserved for those who truly surrender their will to GOD. To the FATHER.

If you surrender your will, and say, Lord, only thy will be done...then things are, meant to be. Your will entirely becomes the will of the Lord.

But it doesn't save you from the trials and tribulations of life. No, it helps you to cope with them.

Is it the Father's will that I'm here. In Nashville? Maybe. I'm renting a fantastic cottage. It's spectacular. Though I can't afford to pay my gas bill from this past winter.

I have a hard time coping with the loss of my New York City apartment. Yeah, I shed tears about losing my home....that was only about 400 square feet in size anyway. But, it was my home...nestled in a city that was mother earth to me.

But now I have to find a new home, maybe? And new roots. Could it be Nashville. Folks, I don't know. I don't know if I fit in here. I'm too artsy fartsy...

Nashville and New York City. Can it go together? Well, according to the CMA it could with the CMA Awards going to NYC two years ago for Country Takes Manhattan. But they didn't care about us country musicians who actually live in Manhattan....we were left out of everything, except the mayor's office invited a few of us citybillies to his mansion for a CMA shindig he was hosting. cool....but I was here in Nashville at the moment...working on a music project.

Well, me being here is: Manhattan takes Country. And I'm called a Yankee anyway. I feel like I'm in a meadow, alone. Just me and my art, and Miss Gypz Jingles, my cat....and Tigerlily, my motorcycle. Miss Tigerlily had to surrender her beautiful NYC license plates two weeks ago. Sigh.

Who Said A City Girl Can't Be Country? - Well, who cares?

I just want to go home and have a delicious Katz knish with spicy mustard, and a plate of crispy french fries. I want to go see my friends play at 55 Bar, Hank's, at SouthPaw, at Pete's back room, at the Baggot Inn.

I want to curl up in my dad's lap and watch the news. I want to annoy my mother with my silly antics that make her laugh anyway. I want to have a Starbucks with my big sister, Donna, and race around the Hamptons in her corvette that her awesome husband bought her for her birthday. I want to play cowboy and Indians with my nieces and nephews. I want to get ridiculously silly with my two sisters and brother Linda, Lou, Brian....and laugh, laugh, laugh.

This weekend is my nieces communion. In Yorktown Heights.

I won't be there. Fu*k.

I want to go home. But I can no longer afford home. And I don't know where else to go.

So I stay in my home in Nashville and do my artwork. I hoola hoop in my yard. I bartend at a local bar in Antioch. I pick up odds and ends work whereever I can, while I do my art. I'm in the land of $8 - $10 an hour.... $20 below what I made in NYC. And they say it's because it's cheaper to live in the south, that's why.

Bullshit. Gas is still nearly $3.50. Food costs just about the same. So does utilities. The only difference is rent. And, let's see, last time I checked you're still talking about somewhere between $700 - $900 for a decent place to live here in the South. In NYC, it's far more money now....but still. Who can make ends meet on $8 or $10 per hour? Anywhere!

That's why our economy is in such trouble with this false reading that it's flourishing. IT'S BECAUSE OF CREDIT CARD PURCHASES. I don't know one person, outside of the socialites and celebrities, who can live on their income. NOT ONE. Most people have credit cards, or have inherited money, or something like that.

But, here I sit trying to figure it all out. Where the hell on earth do I belong? Nashville is okay....but I NEED friends and family. I've got to get out and make friends...but WHERE? Sitting at a bar? Gosh....no I need to figure out the art community here....burst onto the scene somewhere and find some cool people to hang out with.....

Oh, how I miss my little piece of earth in NYC. The little piece of earth that I hung onto for years....the humble one room that I rented for $975 per month...so tiny and incredibly modest. It's gone...long gone...now being rented for over double that. God, what to do?

Dig into Nashville, perhaps...yes...okay! ? It's a sweet little town. I can get used to it....but,

I want to go home. But can no longer afford home. But that's where the decent jobs are that I can secure that support my art. The jobs where you don't have to have a degree. It's all about experience. Now the ratio of income to rent price is so off kilter. People are living in their offices, folks. Or you've got a one bedroom shared by four or five people....just to engage in a job that is the ticket to a strong career? Oh my goodness....is there any government person that cares what's happening to our world? When one can't go home.

I don't know where to go. I don't know what the f*ck to do.

CHOOSING THE HARD WAY.

Most people do not choose to go the hard way.

The challenging way.

The way where there is no definitions.

The path where the outcome is so blizzard over and one cannot see beyond the bend. Or else it's empty with seemingly no direction, except the inner divine compass that's often times so hard to read and accept, but yet the most resourceful tool. Maybe there is fog...as in foggy notion if the desired result will be achieved. There is nothing sure about the path. The only thing that is sure is the path leads to a summit, a goal, a rainbow's end maybe. Something desire is at the end of the path, that branches off to a new found perspective, once all the challenges have been overcome, once one has been pushed to the limit. Once one has burst through their life experience boundaries and accepted that there is much more than meets the eye, and the unaware mind.

The climbers on Everest right now so deeply inspire me. The soldiers in Iraq so deeply make me wonder. The plight of genocide now assaulting African communities is deeply troubling.

Let me talk about the Everest climbers, of which within the Himex climbing expedition there is my very dearest wind sister, Betsy Huelskamp. She is climbing Mt. Everest. But, I'd like to discuss the PEAK. The SUMMIT. THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN that seems so near impossible to attain. It puts the human spirit, mind, and body to an extreme test of will, of faith, of power. Pushing past limits. Climbing is an extraordinary of activity because the most demand is placed on the body first. Then the mind. Then the spirit. Because the spirit can achieve many things, beyond what the mind and body are capable. Because the mind will place insane limitations...the mind, the filtering system of earthly existence. The mind that makes choices that governs activity.

If we attempt goals that we know will be ridiculously difficult, but the will we have inside and the confidence that we possess suggests that we have a fair percentage of achieving the desired summit, what a beautiful way in which to test are abilities and fully live life. So many of us have bottled our extremely precious energy and reserve it for nothing.... It is dormant. We do not allow ourselves to think beyond our own psychological limitations based upon our experiences...whatever they maybe....based upon the good, bad and ugly there are definitions of what we can and cannot do, without even trying we decide and make the choice to close a chapter of our lives that begs to be explored. To close the door of opportunity or slam shut the window of possibilities, because there is a degree of discomfort so we'd rather seal ourselves up in the fake comfort zone. Like rolling the windows up and blasting the aircondition so that NO real clammy, hot, discomfort can reach us; or we blast the heat in our sealed container, so that NO nasty COLD can make us shiver -- and experience deeply the sensation of a chill.

The climbers are fully exposed to the grueling climb to achieve their dream to summit the mountain. How can we fully expose ourselves to gruely climb and achieve our own dreams which nag us on a daily basis....to summit...to narrowly edge along a slim traverse, to hoist ourselves up the ropes of that cliff and climb, climb, climb! Whether we make that summit all the way to the tip - top, or not....it is the attempt and where will that lead us? What other path or summit awaits us near or at the top?

The soldiers in Iraq who are engaged in battle. Who are laying down their lives. Who are not sure of the outcome and cannot see the destination at all. It is a gigantic mystery. But they are serving, selflessly. They are sacrificing so much. They chose this path of service. To defend. To protect. To be like Archangel Michael. There is no guarantee. You skirt death. If you can. You greet each day with the angst of the mission. But you march on. You wonder what the day holds. You wonder about many things back home where it is comfortable and secure, but now you are locked into the mission. There is no time for self. Only service. The is choosing the hard way. Especially when death and mystery surround you.

Death and mystery make me wonder. We know that we die and depart the earth. It is a mystery. It is a path. And we think we can choose the easy way out of this. There is no easy way out. The mystery is in the living. Well, and as best as one can. And in service. I believe that service should be incorporated into daily living. Some kind of service. In our jobs, no matter what we do for a living, we are servicing someone of something and we should do so to the absolute pure degree of perfection. Of pushing ourselves past the limits of mediocrity and be as the highest skilled craftsman who take enormous pride in their work. We need to take our activity in life and execute it to the degree of perfect beauty...to the absolute purest ability to do so. We can because we have the freedom to choose and do so. We can choose the way in which we live based upon our physical and mindful ability to do so. And I say the very absolute purity of our physical and mindful ability. If we are born with a challenging physical disability, we find the purest ability within it so thus there is no dis-ability, but pure ability within the uncontrollable disability. For example, the great scientist, Professor Stephen Hawking, has Motor Neurone Disease and Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis. But this does not stop the great Professor http://www.hawking.org.uk/ - his mind and spirit explodes into the greatest absolute purity to overcome his physical limitations. The challenge is beyond comprehension as he painstakingly sits in his wheelchair and composes books, with an assistant, who must read his facial expressions in order to understand just what word he intends to "write" while composing a volume of scientific findings and theories via a special computer program with pull down word choice menus. Professor "speaks" at 15 words per minute through a synthesizer. This is choosing the best possible way in which to live, which is far difficult than our lives.

So how do we choose our lives? Many opt to place unnecessary challenges that are illusions.

The plight of Darfur, however, is not an illusion. www.savedarfur.org - this is absolute hard way imposed upon a population. This from their website:

Darfur has been embroiled in a deadly conflict for over three years.
At least 400,000 people have been killed; more than 2 million innocent civilians
have been forced to flee their homes and now live in displaced-persons camps in
Sudan or in refugee camps in neighboring Chad; and more than 3.5 million men,
women, and children are completely reliant on international aid for survival.
Not since the Rwandan genocide of 1994 has the world seen such a calculated
campaign of displacement, starvation, rape, and mass slaughter.

Since early 2003, Sudanese armed forces and Sudanese government-backed
militia known as “Janjaweed” have been fighting two rebel groups in Darfur, the
Sudanese Liberation Army/Movement (SLA/SLM) and the Justice and Equality
Movement (JEM). The stated political aim of the rebels has been to compel the
government of Sudan to address underdevelopment and the political
marginalization of the region. In response, the Sudanese government’s
regular armed forces and the Janjaweed – largely composed of fighters of nomadic
background – have targeted civilian populations and ethnic groups from which the
rebels primarily draw their support – the Fur, Masalit and Zaghawa (notes about
our use of ethnic terminology).

These are people climbing a mountain of faith and hope to get to summit where they will find they way to peace and community; to free will and the safety of their heritage before the violence. These are a people who have been robbed of their ability to experience life and live fully and wonderfully. The horrific experiences that they must survive on a daily basis is beyond out comprehension. This is a vastly different definition of what it means to choose the hard way. Because, these dear people, they have NO choice to live. The don't even have a choice to escape this genocide.

When you hear about these terrible episodes around the globe, remember, people, to step out of your comfort zone and pursue those goals that seem impossible, and expand your horizons because these precious and incredibly innocent civilians of Darfur cannot. . . Though it may seem like a mountain to climb, choose to serve in some way, those who are so less fortunate due to circumstances beyond their control.

So, with this my dear friends I say choose the hard way which helps you to expand and grow and reach beyond your limitations, beyond your comprehension, the path whereby the resistence is simply overcoming your fears, inhibitions, and conquering self-doubt, hurdling over the moments when you feel like you cannot forge onward because your legs are tired from climbing, your arms are tired of trying to embrace the wall you wish to scale.

To reach a goal in life is not easy. And anybody or anything that tells you that life is easy, is not explaining something well. You see, what we gather along for the journey, such as the ropes to help us climb, the experience to scale a larger mountain, the basic training in order to serve, etc., are the skills that assist us to achieve our goals set forth.

Don't let life pass you by because you want everything comfortable and easy. Step out, climb the wall, serve, and be sure to realize that we are all one. We need to be the best we can be in this life so that our contributions can be used to better this world, can inspire, encourage, and give breath to purpose.

Peace.
-Sasha